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When I learned I would become a parent I thought of many things. I wondered what she would look like. I stressed over the number of fingers and toes she would have. Will she giggle like I do? I started a college fund. I worried about our house not being big enough. I daydreamed about freckles and whether she would have my nose or Trav’s. I imagine that this is all normal stuff for any parent-to-be to think about. When you’re in that stage of parenthood I don’t think you look to the future and ponder the “what-ifs”. I didn’t. Now, I am. Now, most of my days are filled with scary what-ifs. I hate it. The constant worrying? I can handle. The pain I see my daughter go through almost daily? I can’t handle. I’m NOT handling. Handling would be I sought out and found an answer. I haven’t. Up until this point, every single cough, cold, sniffle, skinned knee, sore throat, earache, allergy, ect…..I have handled. I have been Mommy and taken care of these things with swift action. I am not one to normally “wait it out”. If my kids are sick, we see a doctor. I have always erred on the side of caution. I’ve been called anal but I don’t care. It’s who I am and I own it. This? I can’t take care of. We’ve seen two different doctors, had her eyes checked, tried antibiotics for severe sinusitis, tried allergy meds, and now? She is on a new medicine that is not only NOT working  but can’t be abruptly stopped because of adverse effects. It scares the hell out of me daily. I hate this. I walked around following her when she’s home. Making sure she’s okay. I watch her when she’s sleeping. Making sure her chest is rising and falling as it should. I lay my head on her chest and listen to her precious heartbeat. When she’s at school? I am a wreck. I carry my phone everywhere. Literally. It even goes to the bathroom with me. I can’t think of the possibility of the school calling and I miss it. We have another appointment next week for blood work and an MRI which she knows nothing about yet. Why worry her? I’m so good at it, right? I won’t stop until we can get answers and help her. I know that I need to have faith that there IS an answer and we WILL find it. I am hopeful we will. I just think it can’t come soon enough……

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