Just Ashlee

Dear Things

Ashlee — Mon, 08 Aug 2011 14:57:23 +0000

I take everything in when you’re playing together. Your conversations. You’re arguments. I watch and listen. I always have. The connection is amazing. You have such a way of being together. I crave our time alone together. Just the 3 of us. That time is coming to an end. You start school in 2 days. Both of you. I will be by myself. Sure, I will sub at the school and be on several committees but, for the most part, our time as it always has been will never be the same. I’m silently mourning that. I cannot let you see me cry. I want you excited about school. I want you to meet friends and learn and play and experience new things. The smile hides the pain I feel. For seven breathtaking years I’ve been a Stay-At-Home Mommy and words will never fully explain the joy it has brought me. I will still be here when you come home but I know life is changing and inside, I’m hurting. I knew this would happen and I’m happy. Life happened and you grew, happy and healthy like I prayed you would but I am struggling with you leaving. I never knew letting go could or would be this hard. I know I will have fun helping at your school and *hopefully* catching glimpses of you both in the halls. My advice? Have fun. Try hard. Play hard. Make friends. Be nice. Listen. Be polite. Say “please” and “thank you.” Follow the rules. Know that no matter where you are Mommy is thinking of you and wants you to do your best. I love you both so much. You have given me something in my life that I can never repay. I am so much more of a person for being your mother. Thank you for teaching me, loving me, letting me be your mother. Good Luck on your first day of 1st grade, Thing 1 and your first day of school, Thing 2. Mommy loves you!!!!

The boy….

Ashlee — Thu, 28 Jul 2011 21:18:54 +0000

Way back in 2001 I was 17. It was summer. I was a lifeguard. My friend and I had decided to go, at the last-minute, to a rodeo a few towns over. We had gotten there late and the dance was just starting. There were a few boys in the parking lot sitting on their tailgate. We stopped and talked to them. This is where, if we were in a romance novel or a teen drama, a mushy love song would start playing. I saw him: a boy 3.5 years my senior. He had very green eyes, an inviting smile, a farmer’s tan. He was beautiful. He talked to me. I smiled at him. We spent some time at the dance before a bunch of us made it back to an after-party. This handsome boy and I sat on his tailgate and talked, looking at the stars until the wee hours of the night. We shared a kiss. Just a kiss. I stayed out past my curfew and was grounded from everything except going to work the next day. He promised to call me the next day after he got home from the lake. Boys always say they’ll call. He actually did call. I was shocked but oh so very happy. The boy and I began talking on the phone(I was still grounded for a while) then hanging out as much as possible for the rest of the summer before he went back to college and I started my senior year of high school. I worried it was just a summer fling. It wasn’t. Today marks 10 years that we’ve been together. 10 years of laughs and tears and hugs and fights. In 10 years, there was a wedding and babies. The boy became the greatest love I never knew I could have. We have a bond that has been tested so many times but never broken. I look at him and think back throughout those 10 years and know without a doubt he’s the only one I would want by my side. A true best friend for life. A partner in every sense of the word. I see him in my children’s eyes and actions. I look to him for advise and comfort. He is what love is all about for me. I’m so grateful to whatever force brought him to me.

……….

Ashlee — Thu, 10 Mar 2011 01:57:23 +0000

When I learned I would become a parent I thought of many things. I wondered what she would look like. I stressed over the number of fingers and toes she would have. Will she giggle like I do? I started a college fund. I worried about our house not being big enough. I daydreamed about freckles and whether she would have my nose or Trav’s. I imagine that this is all normal stuff for any parent-to-be to think about. When you’re in that stage of parenthood I don’t think you look to the future and ponder the “what-ifs”. I didn’t. Now, I am. Now, most of my days are filled with scary what-ifs. I hate it. The constant worrying? I can handle. The pain I see my daughter go through almost daily? I can’t handle. I’m NOT handling. Handling would be I sought out and found an answer. I haven’t. Up until this point, every single cough, cold, sniffle, skinned knee, sore throat, earache, allergy, ect…..I have handled. I have been Mommy and taken care of these things with swift action. I am not one to normally “wait it out”. If my kids are sick, we see a doctor. I have always erred on the side of caution. I’ve been called anal but I don’t care. It’s who I am and I own it. This? I can’t take care of. We’ve seen two different doctors, had her eyes checked, tried antibiotics for severe sinusitis, tried allergy meds, and now? She is on a new medicine that is not only NOT working but can’t be abruptly stopped because of adverse effects. It scares the hell out of me daily. I hate this. I walked around following her when she’s home. Making sure she’s okay. I watch her when she’s sleeping. Making sure her chest is rising and falling as it should. I lay my head on her chest and listen to her precious heartbeat. When she’s at school? I am a wreck. I carry my phone everywhere. Literally. It even goes to the bathroom with me. I can’t think of the possibility of the school calling and I miss it. We have another appointment next week for blood work and an MRI which she knows nothing about yet. Why worry her? I’m so good at it, right? I won’t stop until we can get answers and help her. I know that I need to have faith that there IS an answer and we WILL find it. I am hopeful we will. I just think it can’t come soon enough……

Alone

Ashlee — Fri, 21 Jan 2011 02:45:39 +0000

I feel alone. I hate even writing that sentence. It’s true, though. There are times I don’t feel like I have anywhere to turn when I need to talk. I have tried to be a good friend to people but I don’t feel like I have that. I don’t know why. I wish I did. I hate knowing that. I don’t really know what I did wrong. I have things I wish I could confide in certain people I feel could be close friends but I don’t know if that’s what they want from our relationship. A casual friendship might be all they want. I’ve had what I thought were close friends and those friends have vanished. I’m lost. I’m alone. My heart hurts for so many reasons. It aches to be able to open up and share. I long to reach out and have someone do the same. I see so many friends have such closeness and I’m jealous. I’m not sure I’ll ever have that. I hope I will. I thought a few times I did. Anyone reading this thinking “I have a friend like that”, know how lucky you are and make sure to tell that buddy how special they are, okay? You don’t realize how rare or coveted that treasure you have is to someone like me.

Do Not Pass Go

Ashlee — Wed, 05 Jan 2011 02:57:01 +0000

It’s my fault. I know it is. I don’t know who said it but I agree 100%. We teach people how to treat us. I wish I knew how to fix it. I wish I knew how to break it. I don’t. I’m constantly getting my feelings hurt. Sometimes it’s huge. Sometimes it’s teeny tiny. With the huge offenses, I’ll cry and become almost numb for a bit. I’ll obsess over it for days and think of little else. With the smaller crimes, I’ll worry and have a heavy heart and then slowly forget. Either way? It hurts. I know not everyone realizes they do it and I DO realize I’m a sensitive person. My poor daughter has inherited this trait. I take everything so seriously. I want to change it. I want to not care but I do. I want to just turn my back on anyone who brushes me and my feelings aside as if I don’t matter but how? How do I do that when I do care? I care about these people. That’s how they have the ability to hurt me in the first place. In some way, shape, or form I’ve let them in. They have a place somewhere in my heart. They’ve been given a little PASS GO card saying “Here ya go. Hurt her all you want. You can.” And they do. Every single time. They aren’t to blame on their own. I know they will and I continue to let them cause me pain. It’s not a hot water faucet I can turn off. Wouldn’t that be nice? I don’t have any New Year’s resolutions but I will be working on this: weeding out the people in my life that don’t need to be here, the people who only take from me and give me stress in return.

It’s Hard.

Ashlee — Wed, 11 Aug 2010 03:03:25 +0000

It’s never easy. It’s something I’ll probably never accept fully. At times, I hate it. My kids are growing up. It’s what they do. I am just a passenger in this ride of life. Sure, I have a great window seat and I love every second but it’s hard. I cry. I get upset. I know they will keep doing what they’re doing and I’ll be with them all the way. I thought, at some point, it might get easier….I might handle things better. It hasn’t happened yet. Tomorrow my first born will put on her backpack and walk into her new classroom as a Kindergarten student. She’s growing up. She’s not the bald, blue eyed baby who followed me around babbling. She’s not the toddler who spoke in full sentences before her 2nd birthday. She’s a 5(almost 6) year old little girl starting a whole new chapter of life. I have the privilege of being here seeing this gorgeous person, inside and out, go through all these changes. I love it. It’s a remarkable experience. It’s also a tough one. I get very emotional. My heart is so full of feelings. I’m sad. I’m happy. I’m worried. I’m nervous. I’m anxious. All for my girl. She will be great. They will love her. Everyone does. I will miss her, though. The summer has been amazing. We’ve spent every day together. Just the 3 of us. We’ve swam, gone on walks, gone to movies, played all kinds of games.

I’ll be okay. She’ll be okay. It’s just rough on this Mama’s heart….sharing my little girl, letting her go be a big girl. My only hope is that one day it’s not so difficult but my guess is that, as fiercely as I love them, it won’t ever get any easier.

Thing 1 and Thing 2

Ashlee — Thu, 29 Jul 2010 00:49:42 +0000

I’m really enjoying my new camera. I can safely say it’s the best present I’ve ever gotten. It’s a gift that keeps giving. I can do lots more with this camera than any other I’ve ever had and while I’m still learning, I already have several pictures that I can feel comfortable printing and hanging in my house. I am happy to have something I can use to document how fast these little THINGS are growing. Weeds, I tell you!! Here are a few of my latest pictures of them….if you aren’t on facebook and haven’t seen them yet.

Not So Sweet Dreams Part II

Ashlee — Wed, 28 Jul 2010 23:45:51 +0000

I bitched enough at the receptionists and nurses and got to talk to the doctor today. His thoughts were that Thing 1′s issues are a combination of night terrors, nightmares and separation anxiety. He said he will help me get to the bottom of this and that he won’t give up but that he worries because it sounds severe for a few reasons 1) it’s gone on so long with no breaks and 2) she can’t tell us exactly what is scaring her at night or making her not want to go to sleep. His idea is to give her some medicine for 3 nights to *try to break her sleep cycle that’s she’s so used to. I stress try because he came right out and said that he didn’t think it would work but he wanted to try it first. He doesn’t like the idea of the meds that are used for night terrors on account of the side effects are so scary. He wants to see her next week to see how the meds work and check her over physically and talk to me in person. He said that our next step would probably be a therapist to see if she will open up to him/her about what might be scaring her. I don’t feel any better about our options but now that I’ve talked to our doctor. He is a good doctor. You know who isn’t good at their job? The bitches who work for him in his office! I had gotten off the phone with him and he told me they would call in the prescription for the medicine. I call the Travis and ask him to please pick up the meds on the way home. Guess what? They aren’t there to be picked up because Hooker 1, 2, and 3 didn’t do their jobs and call them in. I am beyond pissed and if they didn’t like hearing from me today they REALLY won’t like getting my call tomorrow. Thank you for all your sweet comments here and on Twitter. It really means a lot that you all care so much about my little girl and our family. Thank you. I love you all!!

Not So Sweet Dreams

Ashlee — Wed, 28 Jul 2010 05:26:22 +0000

I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m admitting that right out of the gate. Thing 1 hasn’t slept well for over a month-almost 2 now. She won’t go willingly to bed and doesn’t stay there once we put her in bed. She is scared. Scared of something. She cries. She holds onto me. Something isn’t right. She wakes up anywhere from 2 all the way to 10 times in the middle of the night. Sometimes she will go back to bed and to sleep without a fight. Other nights(most times) she begins crying hysterically and acts as if going back to bed is the most terrifying thing in the world. I’m at a loss. I’ve called the pediatrician 5X only to be told by the nurse I will be called back and then they don’t. This upsets me. I trust and love our doctor. I’ve never been treated this way. I don’t blame him. The receptionists/nurses that work for him are worthless. I despise them. I am heartbroken for my little girl. Something very real to her is making it impossible for her to sleep peacefully through the night. Something in her dreams, thoughts, or imagination is causing such dramatic outbursts that, at times, I don’t recognize my own child. This isn’t a skinned knee I can put a band-aid on and kiss away. This is deeper and much worse. I have been told to try melatonin and really do want to try it but I was wanting to discuss it with our doctor first. I’ve tried to talk to her about this. I have moved her brother into her room for comfort. She has 2 night lights and a lamp that emits enough light for reading she sleeps with and her TV is on every night. I never let her watch anything even remotely scary. I feel like I’ve covered every possible base yet here we are…..every night the same thing. I feel like I’m failing as a Mommy to protect my little girl. Isn’t that my job? She needs me. I’ve googled and done research on night terrors. Some of the symptoms fit. Some do not. I won’t stop looking for answers and if our doctor’s office can’t get back to me I’ll find another doctor that will. If anyone has any information or help that I haven’t tried, it would be greatly appreciated. My little Sleeping Beauty deserves calm and peaceful sleep.

Bring it on!

Ashlee — Wed, 07 Jul 2010 22:00:01 +0000

It’s been a while since I wrote. I was honestly hoping I’d have something new and wonderful to tell you. “I love menopause. Greatest thing in the world!” Those would be big fat lies. Menopause is almost as big of an evil whore as PMS and endo. The hot flashes feel like satan is here licking my skin. The night sweats feel as if someone has dropped me in the swimming pool and lovingly placed me back into my bed all the while not waking me from my slumber. The mental confusion? HAHAHA! I had that shit before the menopause so now it’s just worse. That ones just kind of funny. The fatigue? It hits at really odd times and I feel like I’ve run a marathon after feeling fine a moment before. When they say “rollercoaster”, they aren’t shitting you. I feel for any woman who has gone through this chemically or naturally. The pain is still here. Doc said to expect at least 3 months before I’d feel less pain. I think it might be less. I’ve attempted to stop the pain meds a few times to see if I could handle the pain. So far, bad BAD experiment there but I had to try, right? Hubs didn’t think so and got pretty upset with me trying. He hates seeing me in pain. I feel like menopause has made me a liar. I am constantly telling him or my sister(about the only IRL people who ask how I’m doing) “I’m fine” and I am lying about 90% of the time. There are days where I’m okay and that’s not a lie. I function through the pain regardless and I go about my day as I would without any pain at all. It just sucks to have to do that because it’s a lot harder to put that smile on my face for Thing 1 and Thing 2 who have come to watch me much closer. They “know”. They don’t know what’s going on but they “know” something isn’t right and they are very protective of me. I love them for that and hate that they notice it. This will get better. I know it will. I’m willing it to get better. I refuse to accept that I will be in pain forever. I have too much in my life and too many things to do to lay in my “Ashlee Cave” with a heat pad on my stomach and cry about how bad I’m hurting. Bring it on, pain. Bring it on, hot flashes. Anything else you got, Mr. Menopause? Throw that at me, too. Thank you to anyone who reads this and asks me how I’m doing. You have no idea how much your support and concern mean to me. I have very little real life support so that fact that you care and worry, wow. Thanks.